Not Speaking

Do you know that moment when you’re pushing harder and harder to cry but still your eyes resist to let go of precious tears, shredding your heart into yet small pieces, not giving you a chance to say how sad and lonely you are truly feeling?

I am living such a moment today, since the moment I woke up until now. It’s almost midnight, I haven’t been able to let go of this anger, can’t swallow my pride and approach with a kiss or a hug or even say “I love you”

 

Too damaged I am to just go to bed and sleep on it. Tomorrow if I don’t do anything, it’ll just remain the same.

I don’t lnow what to say. I haven’t said a word all day long. My back hurts, my head is so crammed up with scenarios of scenarios that could happen if we just start talking to each other; arguments, fights, complaints and blame, all negative, all destructive and all serve but an ugly ego.

Yes, just desperate attempts to draw attention… What else do you think I would do at this point? I am capable of doing better but…

We have not touched today, not once! Isn’t that heartbreaking!

Thank to my bad obsessive habits of online stalking men… I’m completely distracted and unconsciously used to just stalk men, approach them and then do nothing but stare on my screen…

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The Moment of Truth

A:”you shouldn’t eat that popcorn”

B: “popcorn is good for you. Trust me, I’ve tried so many diets, I know better”

A: “that’s why you’re pre-diabetic, you know better?”

B: “I’m pretty sure I’m diabetic, that’s what the doctor’s gonna say” – no eye=contact, deadpan!

That’s the conversation my partner and I just had. He’s pre-diabetic and does not seem to intend to do anything about it.

Moreover, he also just told me he’ll have to borrow money from his mom because we have many expenses and bills to pay and he doesn’t make enough money for all that!

Rock bottom, I hit you today and right now.

TV and Satisfaction

TV has become like music to me. I like music because of the way it makes me feel, of the way it makes me live what I feel and how many years later a song can still revoke the best memories and bring them back to my imagination. Most of the time when I’m feeling something special, I unconsciously seek music, seek the liveliness in music but never seek myself, my true feeling deep in my soul.

I can’t speak for my emotions, I listen to music, I eat food, I cry… I fail to find myself. Later, I feel sad and depressed, I do the same things again; music, food, watch tv, yell, scream and so on.

Many of us do this, but no one ever does turn inside. We’d rather listen to a certain song that tells a story that looks like our story so we relate to it, alter our story to fit to that song but rarely choose to write that song ourselves.

My partner thinks I’m so picky about movies and TV shows. Well, I am; if that movie won’t add any value to me, or if I can’t relate to the story, why do I wanna watch it then! Two hours at a time, life slides by and I’m old grumpy man. Why? because I’ve spent my life in front of the TV.

Yes, we can’t spend our time reading and learning, music is so relaxing and entertaining. I agree, but let it be of purpose, do your homework first then sit to relax and enjoy your time. There’s no point at all in just living to relax and rest, get tired so you can enjoy your time off.

I am talking to me and you…

I have been trying to start watching a good TV show in the last couple days. I was looking for something business related or about work and education and making money. There’s nothing like that on TV. Documentaries are useful and educational but not the kind of education I need at this point in my life.

It just happened to me that what I’m looking for is actually inside of me. I am seeking a voice to talk to me, to interpret how I’m feeling, to push me forward, take my hand and help me get where I want to be!!!

I love that I have a great partner who loves me today, I want friends too and people to share passion and ideas with. I can afford nice clothes and good food, I want fancy things and better options. I am in a very great place in my life, I want to keep growing up and help others feel satisfied about themselves and dreams.

I don’t want to watch much TV anymore, I want to spend more time with myself and for myself. I want to focus on everything I am doing and generally do; I want to be mindful and aware of everything around me and in me.

 

P.S. I would like you to listen to this video because it’s what helped me discover this idea about looking internally and focus on myself.

Silly Arguments, Bad Impacts

Waking up this morning, I didn’t feel my best due to insufficient sleep. I wanted to go run then gave in to being lazy. I tried to relax and prepare myself for a few things I need to work on. I decided to try and sleep again so I won’t ruin my whole day.

My partner wakes up, goes to the bathroom to shower then leave to work. He runs the water, for 5 minutes, then 10 then my text is sent asking him to shower instead of wasting all water and energy just to make him feel good. It is a waste, especially when done everyday, isn’t it, people?!

Next thing happens he’s silent as usual when we disagree on something. When he left the house he only said “See ya” but I didn’t reply because I was mad, because I knew my day is now officially ruined.

Later on, we exchanged a few text messages. I wanted to annoy him, to upset him then backed off.

I went to the store, got lots of cookies and started eating. So very passive-aggressive of me! I do hate when I do that.

I tried to watch porn and get laid. That usually helps e but wasn’t really in the mood, because it’s ridiculous.

It’s raining, the weather is so beautiful and I can spot a few orange and yellow trees turning for the season. It is so beautiful yet I can’t cope with this cloud of negative emotions.

 

Couple Mechanics – Book Review

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I was astounded by the beauty of the library; it’s right by the river, my favorite river and very favorite spot in the whole city, The Delaware river.

I had replaced a hold on a book earlier that day and went to pick it up at Bristol Library. They told the book was being shipped from another branch of the library and it’ll take two days to get there.

Amazed by the view, stunned ny the endless shelves and a desire inside me to read more book, I picked up that book, Couple Mechanics. The title, the cover all spoke to me, made me feel somehow that I need such a book in my life now that I have a partner and stories might really help me have a healthier relationship with my partner.

There are many factors that combined all together make us fall in love. That’s how I fell for this book. I have been so lost lately, lots and lots of things going on on my mind, so mentally disturbed and preoccupied. I needed an escape, a vent. This book offered was all that to me. More importantly, it was a story I loved dearly.

In such an emotional rush, Olivier decides to call his lovely wife, the mother of his two lovely kids, that he’s been cheating on her for the last three weeks. Caught off guard, Juliette is staggered. She decides to fight all the way, until the end.

How is trust to won after it’s been lost the first time? is it even possible to trust the same man who decided to sleep with another woman yet so concerned about her feelings, not even able to think of the idea of causing her any emotional harm? How do you make sure that man is not lying to you anymore? How can you really tell for real he wants you back? wants his kids and wife and whatever remains of his marriage?

Juliette herself has been raped. She had her fair share of fears and bad experiences in the past. How is that going to affect her decisions?

I love Juliette’s continuous fight to win her husband back, to rescue him from falling into a strange woman who might have given him something he needed at a specific point in his life, but not on the long run. I love the countless and endless conversation between the couple  about their love, their family and the life they share together. There was so much going on each one’s mind. They tried so hard to survive this ordeal. Juliette does not want to put up with whatever her husband throws on her; she’s strong, she’s capable of fighting, so she does.

There were many scenes of compassion and empathy. There were determination, perseverance and triumph. There were also hatred, contempt and fear. All together, made an eventful story of so many ups and downs, highs and lows.

I was so excited to read how Juliette is going to react to V’s calls and desperate emails, yet felt so disgusted by Olivier’s impatience and weakness. I could feel Juliette, by the end of a long summer full of restless, sleepless nights how tired she was. Nonetheless, V still shows up, refusing to let go of Olivier, the man who once said he loved her. But as Juliette says, “you can’t just tell someone you love them they stop loving them the next day”.

Today, I could not throw the book away. I had more than half of it to read. It was captivating. The story keeps building up; page after page, you are buried down, living life day to day with the characters, angry for them, worried about them. When matching it to real life, it can happen in every relationship, very smoothly when nobody’s paying attention. If you were them, you’d be as puzzled as they are, because you love, you care and you’re capable of hate and revenge.

Eventually, it’s now time for Juliette to experience what Oliver had felt with V. Will she survive it?!

Personally, this book gave me the metal escape that I needed, it made me forget about my feelings and daily events. I was totally consumed in the book and what a feeling.

 

The view from the library.
The view from the library.

“picking your family” – The Defining Decade

There were so many occasions in the past and family gatherings that I never had the slightest desire to attend. Yet, my father was always forcing my brother and I out of the door to join him because he believes in extended family and strong social bonds that unite people and help them connect.

For me, this had always been a myth, not the idea per se but the family. Extended family or whoever is defined as a relative is basically a threat I need to stay away from and avoid as much as I can.

My parents always said you can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends. The majority of us have friends of whom we are proud. However, our families are not always our source of support and encouragement. Too many kids were raised and still do in unhealthy relationships which haunts the kids for a long time. None of us ever chose where to grow up, yet we always have the freedom of choice of our partners in the future which is the beginning of a great life for kids yet to be born or an imitation of what happened to others in the past.

In this chapter, the book deals with families and love, how we are so confused about our partners sometimes, how narrow-minded we can be focusing on trivial details, how we can be self-centered and not give other a chance to prove their love to us. The author says there’s always a chance to pick your family; it’s not only about picking our partners but their backgrounds, lifestyle, parents and families because this is where our kids would grow up, among these very people.

Lots of twentysomethings today are enjoying random dating and pointless sex focusing on the momentary satisfaction or attention we get from others when we date the most beautiful girl or the handsome guy with the Ferrari. They never ask themselves if they are the right future partner or not. We can’t foresee ourselves in the future, so we don’t really plan ahead. I don’t like to assume that the 30’s, 40’s or 50’s can be bad and torturing and we would be lonely, no; but we definitely will change and our priorities will change so we need to learn and discover these changes and work for them so then we’ll be happier and able to take the necessary steps to fulfill our dreams.

Relationships take a lot of understanding and empathy to work out. When the one we love says the most horrible thing in the world, it can be the best they could do to overcome a problem or release their stress they’ve kept inside.

The ideal relationship does not exist, yet the so imperfect one can be perfect in itself. Personally, I don’t like the idea of dating for too long to see if a couple can be happily ever after married or not. Just like that business idea you approached or fearless decision you made, your relationship is a risk you take, sacrifice for, thrive and be with the one you love and care for the most.

Jul 8, 2016 – Big Socializing Opportunity

My last week’s picnic was with my partner’s work colleagues and friends and it was such a big disappointment to me. However, the time has come to make up for that; we’re going to a concert tonight since my partner sings with that choir so all his friends and work colleagues are going to be there and it’s my chance to meet people and prove to myself I have better socializing skills.

Also, tomorrow there’s a party for the whole group and guess what? I have to go. WOW, I feel like my comfort zone is kicking me out of its boundaries. :S Let’s do it.