Not Speaking

Do you know that moment when you’re pushing harder and harder to cry but still your eyes resist to let go of precious tears, shredding your heart into yet small pieces, not giving you a chance to say how sad and lonely you are truly feeling?

I am living such a moment today, since the moment I woke up until now. It’s almost midnight, I haven’t been able to let go of this anger, can’t swallow my pride and approach with a kiss or a hug or even say “I love you”

 

Too damaged I am to just go to bed and sleep on it. Tomorrow if I don’t do anything, it’ll just remain the same.

I don’t lnow what to say. I haven’t said a word all day long. My back hurts, my head is so crammed up with scenarios of scenarios that could happen if we just start talking to each other; arguments, fights, complaints and blame, all negative, all destructive and all serve but an ugly ego.

Yes, just desperate attempts to draw attention… What else do you think I would do at this point? I am capable of doing better but…

We have not touched today, not once! Isn’t that heartbreaking!

Thank to my bad obsessive habits of online stalking men… I’m completely distracted and unconsciously used to just stalk men, approach them and then do nothing but stare on my screen…

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The Moment of Truth

A:”you shouldn’t eat that popcorn”

B: “popcorn is good for you. Trust me, I’ve tried so many diets, I know better”

A: “that’s why you’re pre-diabetic, you know better?”

B: “I’m pretty sure I’m diabetic, that’s what the doctor’s gonna say” – no eye=contact, deadpan!

That’s the conversation my partner and I just had. He’s pre-diabetic and does not seem to intend to do anything about it.

Moreover, he also just told me he’ll have to borrow money from his mom because we have many expenses and bills to pay and he doesn’t make enough money for all that!

Rock bottom, I hit you today and right now.

Quiet Afternoons

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Home alone, I slept, ate lunch, had dessert, took a nap, listened to music, watched tv, thinking of baking more things to eat… feeling stuffed, and bored, and preoccupied… I haven’t tried to do anything about it but what a silly mind would suggest and a defeated heart would settle for.

My unproductive cycle keeps spinning, repeating itself, over and over again. Same options, same opportunities. I panic to bad news, but good news only excite me for a short while then I feel It’s supposed to happen, why be so excited!

I look out the window, I see trees, squirrels, but no people… Nobody keeps me company, nobody knocks on my door and asks me to hang out. I have tried phone apps, wanted to meet men I’m attracted to and who’d just settle for being my friends. I have stalked people online, it worked, I talked to them, we flirted then it stopped; the fantasy was over, and distance kept us apart. Tens of men I met online, are still online, still virtual and imaginary.

In my relationship, I act normally, irresponsibly, arrogantly…

Things will be fine once I have a job and am working… truth: they won’t! Unless I wake up and take care, they won’t, because they don’t.

 

Silly Arguments, Bad Impacts

Waking up this morning, I didn’t feel my best due to insufficient sleep. I wanted to go run then gave in to being lazy. I tried to relax and prepare myself for a few things I need to work on. I decided to try and sleep again so I won’t ruin my whole day.

My partner wakes up, goes to the bathroom to shower then leave to work. He runs the water, for 5 minutes, then 10 then my text is sent asking him to shower instead of wasting all water and energy just to make him feel good. It is a waste, especially when done everyday, isn’t it, people?!

Next thing happens he’s silent as usual when we disagree on something. When he left the house he only said “See ya” but I didn’t reply because I was mad, because I knew my day is now officially ruined.

Later on, we exchanged a few text messages. I wanted to annoy him, to upset him then backed off.

I went to the store, got lots of cookies and started eating. So very passive-aggressive of me! I do hate when I do that.

I tried to watch porn and get laid. That usually helps e but wasn’t really in the mood, because it’s ridiculous.

It’s raining, the weather is so beautiful and I can spot a few orange and yellow trees turning for the season. It is so beautiful yet I can’t cope with this cloud of negative emotions.

 

Simple Frustrations

Recently, the smallest conflict or disagreement would make me unhappy and unable to express my feeling clearly. It gets me thinking how this life is possible to continue the way it is today. There are many things we disagree on. In myself I see the young, ambitious and determined man who will never take no for an answer. In him I see an older, bored, unmotivated and uninspired man.

At first, I don’t worry as  much. I can try to inspire, to motivate but change must come from within. Then I do worry about our relationship, about why we have to go through that simply when we can avoid it right now and here.

You might say it’s easier said than done. I say it’s easier done than lived; you don’t want to live in fear, in a steady state of worry.

I don’t want to go out on my own and enjoy my time alone while my partner is home struggling with destructive thoughts and giving to junk food. I can move on, pretty easily -that’s the mean person in me- but I don’t want that. I don’t want to conceive him as the weak partner, the one who can’t be what he wants to be and suck all life from him then leave a desperate sad soul behind me.

Can relationships be about two individual humans living together, loving each other yet not share the same aspiration for a better future with more opportunities and abundance of resources? Or are relationships all about the couple life, the one who kiss in public yet timid and not afraid of living life to the max?

 

Blue Sky

I can feel my pupils get smaller; though the sun is beginning to go down, its light is still everywhere. Humidity surrounds me, it’s hot but it’s more beautiful than staying home all day.

I walk a few steps, afraid of the noise; the cicadas are so loud. The moment when is quiet, another is getting louder and louder. Squirrels are running joyfully around the place; they climb the trees, race with each other. They look at me wondering why I;m looking at them; it’s the human-animal language, you have the choice to make a story out of it.

A few steps more, there it is, the blue sky. It’s miraculous. An ever-changing work of art, never twice the same. Though elements of such art are but a few, yet the beauty in different combinations of such elements is astounding.

The vastness of my city, the two-story building and endless landscapes all make the sky looks closer to us. If you look up for a second, you’d see it yourself. The rich blue color fills my eyes; it reflects on my mind; my brain lightens up, my soul, my whole body is responding to the light. For a moment, I stand there; stunned; how beautiful!

Couple Mechanics – Book Review

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I was astounded by the beauty of the library; it’s right by the river, my favorite river and very favorite spot in the whole city, The Delaware river.

I had replaced a hold on a book earlier that day and went to pick it up at Bristol Library. They told the book was being shipped from another branch of the library and it’ll take two days to get there.

Amazed by the view, stunned ny the endless shelves and a desire inside me to read more book, I picked up that book, Couple Mechanics. The title, the cover all spoke to me, made me feel somehow that I need such a book in my life now that I have a partner and stories might really help me have a healthier relationship with my partner.

There are many factors that combined all together make us fall in love. That’s how I fell for this book. I have been so lost lately, lots and lots of things going on on my mind, so mentally disturbed and preoccupied. I needed an escape, a vent. This book offered was all that to me. More importantly, it was a story I loved dearly.

In such an emotional rush, Olivier decides to call his lovely wife, the mother of his two lovely kids, that he’s been cheating on her for the last three weeks. Caught off guard, Juliette is staggered. She decides to fight all the way, until the end.

How is trust to won after it’s been lost the first time? is it even possible to trust the same man who decided to sleep with another woman yet so concerned about her feelings, not even able to think of the idea of causing her any emotional harm? How do you make sure that man is not lying to you anymore? How can you really tell for real he wants you back? wants his kids and wife and whatever remains of his marriage?

Juliette herself has been raped. She had her fair share of fears and bad experiences in the past. How is that going to affect her decisions?

I love Juliette’s continuous fight to win her husband back, to rescue him from falling into a strange woman who might have given him something he needed at a specific point in his life, but not on the long run. I love the countless and endless conversation between the couple  about their love, their family and the life they share together. There was so much going on each one’s mind. They tried so hard to survive this ordeal. Juliette does not want to put up with whatever her husband throws on her; she’s strong, she’s capable of fighting, so she does.

There were many scenes of compassion and empathy. There were determination, perseverance and triumph. There were also hatred, contempt and fear. All together, made an eventful story of so many ups and downs, highs and lows.

I was so excited to read how Juliette is going to react to V’s calls and desperate emails, yet felt so disgusted by Olivier’s impatience and weakness. I could feel Juliette, by the end of a long summer full of restless, sleepless nights how tired she was. Nonetheless, V still shows up, refusing to let go of Olivier, the man who once said he loved her. But as Juliette says, “you can’t just tell someone you love them they stop loving them the next day”.

Today, I could not throw the book away. I had more than half of it to read. It was captivating. The story keeps building up; page after page, you are buried down, living life day to day with the characters, angry for them, worried about them. When matching it to real life, it can happen in every relationship, very smoothly when nobody’s paying attention. If you were them, you’d be as puzzled as they are, because you love, you care and you’re capable of hate and revenge.

Eventually, it’s now time for Juliette to experience what Oliver had felt with V. Will she survive it?!

Personally, this book gave me the metal escape that I needed, it made me forget about my feelings and daily events. I was totally consumed in the book and what a feeling.

 

The view from the library.
The view from the library.