Not Speaking

Do you know that moment when you’re pushing harder and harder to cry but still your eyes resist to let go of precious tears, shredding your heart into yet small pieces, not giving you a chance to say how sad and lonely you are truly feeling?

I am living such a moment today, since the moment I woke up until now. It’s almost midnight, I haven’t been able to let go of this anger, can’t swallow my pride and approach with a kiss or a hug or even say “I love you”

 

Too damaged I am to just go to bed and sleep on it. Tomorrow if I don’t do anything, it’ll just remain the same.

I don’t lnow what to say. I haven’t said a word all day long. My back hurts, my head is so crammed up with scenarios of scenarios that could happen if we just start talking to each other; arguments, fights, complaints and blame, all negative, all destructive and all serve but an ugly ego.

Yes, just desperate attempts to draw attention… What else do you think I would do at this point? I am capable of doing better but…

We have not touched today, not once! Isn’t that heartbreaking!

Thank to my bad obsessive habits of online stalking men… I’m completely distracted and unconsciously used to just stalk men, approach them and then do nothing but stare on my screen…

The Moment of Truth

A:”you shouldn’t eat that popcorn”

B: “popcorn is good for you. Trust me, I’ve tried so many diets, I know better”

A: “that’s why you’re pre-diabetic, you know better?”

B: “I’m pretty sure I’m diabetic, that’s what the doctor’s gonna say” – no eye=contact, deadpan!

That’s the conversation my partner and I just had. He’s pre-diabetic and does not seem to intend to do anything about it.

Moreover, he also just told me he’ll have to borrow money from his mom because we have many expenses and bills to pay and he doesn’t make enough money for all that!

Rock bottom, I hit you today and right now.

TV and Satisfaction

TV has become like music to me. I like music because of the way it makes me feel, of the way it makes me live what I feel and how many years later a song can still revoke the best memories and bring them back to my imagination. Most of the time when I’m feeling something special, I unconsciously seek music, seek the liveliness in music but never seek myself, my true feeling deep in my soul.

I can’t speak for my emotions, I listen to music, I eat food, I cry… I fail to find myself. Later, I feel sad and depressed, I do the same things again; music, food, watch tv, yell, scream and so on.

Many of us do this, but no one ever does turn inside. We’d rather listen to a certain song that tells a story that looks like our story so we relate to it, alter our story to fit to that song but rarely choose to write that song ourselves.

My partner thinks I’m so picky about movies and TV shows. Well, I am; if that movie won’t add any value to me, or if I can’t relate to the story, why do I wanna watch it then! Two hours at a time, life slides by and I’m old grumpy man. Why? because I’ve spent my life in front of the TV.

Yes, we can’t spend our time reading and learning, music is so relaxing and entertaining. I agree, but let it be of purpose, do your homework first then sit to relax and enjoy your time. There’s no point at all in just living to relax and rest, get tired so you can enjoy your time off.

I am talking to me and you…

I have been trying to start watching a good TV show in the last couple days. I was looking for something business related or about work and education and making money. There’s nothing like that on TV. Documentaries are useful and educational but not the kind of education I need at this point in my life.

It just happened to me that what I’m looking for is actually inside of me. I am seeking a voice to talk to me, to interpret how I’m feeling, to push me forward, take my hand and help me get where I want to be!!!

I love that I have a great partner who loves me today, I want friends too and people to share passion and ideas with. I can afford nice clothes and good food, I want fancy things and better options. I am in a very great place in my life, I want to keep growing up and help others feel satisfied about themselves and dreams.

I don’t want to watch much TV anymore, I want to spend more time with myself and for myself. I want to focus on everything I am doing and generally do; I want to be mindful and aware of everything around me and in me.

 

P.S. I would like you to listen to this video because it’s what helped me discover this idea about looking internally and focus on myself.

Quiet Afternoons

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Home alone, I slept, ate lunch, had dessert, took a nap, listened to music, watched tv, thinking of baking more things to eat… feeling stuffed, and bored, and preoccupied… I haven’t tried to do anything about it but what a silly mind would suggest and a defeated heart would settle for.

My unproductive cycle keeps spinning, repeating itself, over and over again. Same options, same opportunities. I panic to bad news, but good news only excite me for a short while then I feel It’s supposed to happen, why be so excited!

I look out the window, I see trees, squirrels, but no people… Nobody keeps me company, nobody knocks on my door and asks me to hang out. I have tried phone apps, wanted to meet men I’m attracted to and who’d just settle for being my friends. I have stalked people online, it worked, I talked to them, we flirted then it stopped; the fantasy was over, and distance kept us apart. Tens of men I met online, are still online, still virtual and imaginary.

In my relationship, I act normally, irresponsibly, arrogantly…

Things will be fine once I have a job and am working… truth: they won’t! Unless I wake up and take care, they won’t, because they don’t.

 

Here I Go Again

I have always understood the fact that time passes. Whatever thing we do today and everyday will count. It’s better to start early and keep on doing what we want to do and be even in the most melancholic moment.

I have committed to blogging many times, then stopped, then tried again and so on. Every time I stop writing for a while, I feel something missing; something I can only feel roaming around in my soul asking to be let out and verbalized.

Sometimes you don’t want to share what you desire to write about. People may not relate to what you’re saying, you end up explaining your words so simply, yet you still don’t make any sense. That’s the kind of message you need to deliver through writing, that’s the very part of your soul you need to communicate with deeply and let be.

Everyday, we think of plenty of issues, we have so many great ideas and feel a million thing. None of us really write these down, or put enough time to dwell on them, to analyze and keep them. These thoughts are the very sources of a special and successful future, the basis of excellence and beginning of all inspiration and wisdom.

These thoughts, ideas, emotions, feelings and desire are what I want more of in my life. This is what I want to dig deeper into and understand. I want to be closer to myself, to my heart and my soul. I want to study them, to get to know who I am and feel every thing I need to feel.

I want to write more, about me, about myself and be that person who knows it all about himself and can help others be there.

Silly Arguments, Bad Impacts

Waking up this morning, I didn’t feel my best due to insufficient sleep. I wanted to go run then gave in to being lazy. I tried to relax and prepare myself for a few things I need to work on. I decided to try and sleep again so I won’t ruin my whole day.

My partner wakes up, goes to the bathroom to shower then leave to work. He runs the water, for 5 minutes, then 10 then my text is sent asking him to shower instead of wasting all water and energy just to make him feel good. It is a waste, especially when done everyday, isn’t it, people?!

Next thing happens he’s silent as usual when we disagree on something. When he left the house he only said “See ya” but I didn’t reply because I was mad, because I knew my day is now officially ruined.

Later on, we exchanged a few text messages. I wanted to annoy him, to upset him then backed off.

I went to the store, got lots of cookies and started eating. So very passive-aggressive of me! I do hate when I do that.

I tried to watch porn and get laid. That usually helps e but wasn’t really in the mood, because it’s ridiculous.

It’s raining, the weather is so beautiful and I can spot a few orange and yellow trees turning for the season. It is so beautiful yet I can’t cope with this cloud of negative emotions.

 

Simple Frustrations

Recently, the smallest conflict or disagreement would make me unhappy and unable to express my feeling clearly. It gets me thinking how this life is possible to continue the way it is today. There are many things we disagree on. In myself I see the young, ambitious and determined man who will never take no for an answer. In him I see an older, bored, unmotivated and uninspired man.

At first, I don’t worry as ┬ámuch. I can try to inspire, to motivate but change must come from within. Then I do worry about our relationship, about why we have to go through that simply when we can avoid it right now and here.

You might say it’s easier said than done. I say it’s easier done than lived; you don’t want to live in fear, in a steady state of worry.

I don’t want to go out on my own and enjoy my time alone while my partner is home struggling with destructive thoughts and giving to junk food. I can move on, pretty easily -that’s the mean person in me- but I don’t want that. I don’t want to conceive him as the weak partner, the one who can’t be what he wants to be and suck all life from him then leave a desperate sad soul behind me.

Can relationships be about two individual humans living together, loving each other yet not share the same aspiration for a better future with more opportunities and abundance of resources? Or are relationships all about the couple life, the one who kiss in public yet timid and not afraid of living life to the max?