Not Speaking

Do you know that moment when you’re pushing harder and harder to cry but still your eyes resist to let go of precious tears, shredding your heart into yet small pieces, not giving you a chance to say how sad and lonely you are truly feeling?

I am living such a moment today, since the moment I woke up until now. It’s almost midnight, I haven’t been able to let go of this anger, can’t swallow my pride and approach with a kiss or a hug or even say “I love you”

 

Too damaged I am to just go to bed and sleep on it. Tomorrow if I don’t do anything, it’ll just remain the same.

I don’t lnow what to say. I haven’t said a word all day long. My back hurts, my head is so crammed up with scenarios of scenarios that could happen if we just start talking to each other; arguments, fights, complaints and blame, all negative, all destructive and all serve but an ugly ego.

Yes, just desperate attempts to draw attention… What else do you think I would do at this point? I am capable of doing better but…

We have not touched today, not once! Isn’t that heartbreaking!

Thank to my bad obsessive habits of online stalking men… I’m completely distracted and unconsciously used to just stalk men, approach them and then do nothing but stare on my screen…

TV and Satisfaction

TV has become like music to me. I like music because of the way it makes me feel, of the way it makes me live what I feel and how many years later a song can still revoke the best memories and bring them back to my imagination. Most of the time when I’m feeling something special, I unconsciously seek music, seek the liveliness in music but never seek myself, my true feeling deep in my soul.

I can’t speak for my emotions, I listen to music, I eat food, I cry… I fail to find myself. Later, I feel sad and depressed, I do the same things again; music, food, watch tv, yell, scream and so on.

Many of us do this, but no one ever does turn inside. We’d rather listen to a certain song that tells a story that looks like our story so we relate to it, alter our story to fit to that song but rarely choose to write that song ourselves.

My partner thinks I’m so picky about movies and TV shows. Well, I am; if that movie won’t add any value to me, or if I can’t relate to the story, why do I wanna watch it then! Two hours at a time, life slides by and I’m old grumpy man. Why? because I’ve spent my life in front of the TV.

Yes, we can’t spend our time reading and learning, music is so relaxing and entertaining. I agree, but let it be of purpose, do your homework first then sit to relax and enjoy your time. There’s no point at all in just living to relax and rest, get tired so you can enjoy your time off.

I am talking to me and you…

I have been trying to start watching a good TV show in the last couple days. I was looking for something business related or about work and education and making money. There’s nothing like that on TV. Documentaries are useful and educational but not the kind of education I need at this point in my life.

It just happened to me that what I’m looking for is actually inside of me. I am seeking a voice to talk to me, to interpret how I’m feeling, to push me forward, take my hand and help me get where I want to be!!!

I love that I have a great partner who loves me today, I want friends too and people to share passion and ideas with. I can afford nice clothes and good food, I want fancy things and better options. I am in a very great place in my life, I want to keep growing up and help others feel satisfied about themselves and dreams.

I don’t want to watch much TV anymore, I want to spend more time with myself and for myself. I want to focus on everything I am doing and generally do; I want to be mindful and aware of everything around me and in me.

 

P.S. I would like you to listen to this video because it’s what helped me discover this idea about looking internally and focus on myself.

Here I Go Again

I have always understood the fact that time passes. Whatever thing we do today and everyday will count. It’s better to start early and keep on doing what we want to do and be even in the most melancholic moment.

I have committed to blogging many times, then stopped, then tried again and so on. Every time I stop writing for a while, I feel something missing; something I can only feel roaming around in my soul asking to be let out and verbalized.

Sometimes you don’t want to share what you desire to write about. People may not relate to what you’re saying, you end up explaining your words so simply, yet you still don’t make any sense. That’s the kind of message you need to deliver through writing, that’s the very part of your soul you need to communicate with deeply and let be.

Everyday, we think of plenty of issues, we have so many great ideas and feel a million thing. None of us really write these down, or put enough time to dwell on them, to analyze and keep them. These thoughts are the very sources of a special and successful future, the basis of excellence and beginning of all inspiration and wisdom.

These thoughts, ideas, emotions, feelings and desire are what I want more of in my life. This is what I want to dig deeper into and understand. I want to be closer to myself, to my heart and my soul. I want to study them, to get to know who I am and feel every thing I need to feel.

I want to write more, about me, about myself and be that person who knows it all about himself and can help others be there.

Couple Mechanics – Book Review

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I was astounded by the beauty of the library; it’s right by the river, my favorite river and very favorite spot in the whole city, The Delaware river.

I had replaced a hold on a book earlier that day and went to pick it up at Bristol Library. They told the book was being shipped from another branch of the library and it’ll take two days to get there.

Amazed by the view, stunned ny the endless shelves and a desire inside me to read more book, I picked up that book, Couple Mechanics. The title, the cover all spoke to me, made me feel somehow that I need such a book in my life now that I have a partner and stories might really help me have a healthier relationship with my partner.

There are many factors that combined all together make us fall in love. That’s how I fell for this book. I have been so lost lately, lots and lots of things going on on my mind, so mentally disturbed and preoccupied. I needed an escape, a vent. This book offered was all that to me. More importantly, it was a story I loved dearly.

In such an emotional rush, Olivier decides to call his lovely wife, the mother of his two lovely kids, that he’s been cheating on her for the last three weeks. Caught off guard, Juliette is staggered. She decides to fight all the way, until the end.

How is trust to won after it’s been lost the first time? is it even possible to trust the same man who decided to sleep with another woman yet so concerned about her feelings, not even able to think of the idea of causing her any emotional harm? How do you make sure that man is not lying to you anymore? How can you really tell for real he wants you back? wants his kids and wife and whatever remains of his marriage?

Juliette herself has been raped. She had her fair share of fears and bad experiences in the past. How is that going to affect her decisions?

I love Juliette’s continuous fight to win her husband back, to rescue him from falling into a strange woman who might have given him something he needed at a specific point in his life, but not on the long run. I love the countless and endless conversation between the couple  about their love, their family and the life they share together. There was so much going on each one’s mind. They tried so hard to survive this ordeal. Juliette does not want to put up with whatever her husband throws on her; she’s strong, she’s capable of fighting, so she does.

There were many scenes of compassion and empathy. There were determination, perseverance and triumph. There were also hatred, contempt and fear. All together, made an eventful story of so many ups and downs, highs and lows.

I was so excited to read how Juliette is going to react to V’s calls and desperate emails, yet felt so disgusted by Olivier’s impatience and weakness. I could feel Juliette, by the end of a long summer full of restless, sleepless nights how tired she was. Nonetheless, V still shows up, refusing to let go of Olivier, the man who once said he loved her. But as Juliette says, “you can’t just tell someone you love them they stop loving them the next day”.

Today, I could not throw the book away. I had more than half of it to read. It was captivating. The story keeps building up; page after page, you are buried down, living life day to day with the characters, angry for them, worried about them. When matching it to real life, it can happen in every relationship, very smoothly when nobody’s paying attention. If you were them, you’d be as puzzled as they are, because you love, you care and you’re capable of hate and revenge.

Eventually, it’s now time for Juliette to experience what Oliver had felt with V. Will she survive it?!

Personally, this book gave me the metal escape that I needed, it made me forget about my feelings and daily events. I was totally consumed in the book and what a feeling.

 

The view from the library.
The view from the library.

Confusion – Aug 13, 2016

The same things that give me small fake pleasures are the source of my unhappiness.

At first, I think if I just do this one small thing, it’d help me feel better and move on to doing something else. Only when I do, I find myself caught up in an endless loop of doing the same thing over and over, obsessively, not able to stop, which again triggers undesired, not so happy feelings.

The circle goes on and on and on. It takes too many negative thoughts torturing my young imagination to put me back on the track of thinking positively as well as productively. A plan is developed and it’s time now to act on it. Sometimes, the first day, if so lucky, the first week would be great, then I’m caught up again in the same circle, spinning me around, tossing me from one negative feeling to another.

Physical-wise – The Defining Decade

The third and last part of this amazing book discusses the physical changes before, during and after the twenties and how planning for the future as well as working on ourselves during those years can help us be in a much better place.

The most interesting idea I loved in this chapter is the brain spurt. Well, our brains go through two major and big developmental stages. The first one happens in the first 18 months of our lives where the brain produces so many cells that it can use which explains the kids’ ability to learn so fast and pick almost any language at earshot. The extreme growth can affect children negatively because the mind can’t yet deal with all these cells and amount of activity in the brain which justifies how kids can say a statement in a false order.

The second spurt happens in our twenties. This time as the author explains we don’t learn languages, we learn all the things we need to prepare us for the adult life in our 30’s and later. This phase is all about experimenting and dealing with life first hand. At this age, we are able to pick up all kinds of knowledge , that’s why it’s so recommended to start working at this age and building a career; we are almost independent and have limited responsibilities.

This made me think of how much time we are wasting in our 20’s, it made me want to read more and more, learn as much as I can about anything I can.

I told my partner about this and he says “you’d better be specific also about what you learn”. He meant career-wise. Somehow, I do not think that was the most encouraging thing to say, yet it was sort of realistic maybe. I don’t want to overthink what he said, I don’t want to be grumpy!

The second idea in the chapter that caught my attention was under the title Calm Yourself. It’s summed up in being able to control your emotions and not respond negatively or emotionally to whatever comes your way. I love this and have learned it a while ago from Jack Canfield. We are “response-able” which means we can easily choose our responses to whatever happens; a better response, means a better result.

The last piece of advice shared is about doing the math; life will happen to us the same way it did to lots and lots of generations before us. Time does not go too fast or slow, it just goes steadily. A plan is paramount; a timeline, can help. The best time to do whatever we want to do is now. We need to think of it like that: right now; whatever, just do it right now, don’t wait until the next morning or weekend or whatever, RIGHT NOW, just start.

You and I have tried hard so many times to commit, we failed, let’s try again, right now! Let’s be who we want to be, you and I. We shall succeed and people shall follow!

“This is how it’s done!” – The Defining Decade

Distinctiveness is a fundamental part of identity. I am who I am because of how I am different from those around me

One of my fears about having a job used to be the feeling of being similar to too many people; having a job that pays me money but one where I can only work for the sake of work and making money. Being different and distinctive is a feeling we all experience in our twenties; most of us don’t want to be like someone else. and most of the time we like to think of ourselves as smarter, prettier, luckier and so on. That’s a good thing to do as I believe in positive self-talk. However, addressing ourselves this way only won’t be enough after a while as we will need to improve and add to our capital identity so we stay who we believe and like to be. That only comes with making a choice which is part of taking action.

The Tyranny of The Should is one of the ideas this books discusses. “I should have a job, I should look confident, I should make more money…” There are many “shoulds” to mention, only knowing why we should helps moving us in the right direction.

The message of the three parts of the book I’ve read today is to be more precise about what we want to do with our time, that even when we are sure of a hundred things we don’t want to do, we still must know that one thing we feel better about and do it. Yes, it might sound “ordinary” and “mundane” to do that thing. However, a clear purpose will keep us alert to more opportunities. When there seems to be a hundred opportunities to take, picking one does not mean the left 99 are gone but another hundred will open up soon. The risk of not choosing will lead to an end as the author called it, The Unthought Known. Nobody wants to be there, living whatever life throws on them.