Here I Go Again

I have always understood the fact that time passes. Whatever thing we do today and everyday will count. It’s better to start early and keep on doing what we want to do and be even in the most melancholic moment.

I have committed to blogging many times, then stopped, then tried again and so on. Every time I stop writing for a while, I feel something missing; something I can only feel roaming around in my soul asking to be let out and verbalized.

Sometimes you don’t want to share what you desire to write about. People may not relate to what you’re saying, you end up explaining your words so simply, yet you still don’t make any sense. That’s the kind of message you need to deliver through writing, that’s the very part of your soul you need to communicate with deeply and let be.

Everyday, we think of plenty of issues, we have so many great ideas and feel a million thing. None of us really write these down, or put enough time to dwell on them, to analyze and keep them. These thoughts are the very sources of a special and successful future, the basis of excellence and beginning of all inspiration and wisdom.

These thoughts, ideas, emotions, feelings and desire are what I want more of in my life. This is what I want to dig deeper into and understand. I want to be closer to myself, to my heart and my soul. I want to study them, to get to know who I am and feel every thing I need to feel.

I want to write more, about me, about myself and be that person who knows it all about himself and can help others be there.

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Couple Mechanics – Book Review

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I was astounded by the beauty of the library; it’s right by the river, my favorite river and very favorite spot in the whole city, The Delaware river.

I had replaced a hold on a book earlier that day and went to pick it up at Bristol Library. They told the book was being shipped from another branch of the library and it’ll take two days to get there.

Amazed by the view, stunned ny the endless shelves and a desire inside me to read more book, I picked up that book, Couple Mechanics. The title, the cover all spoke to me, made me feel somehow that I need such a book in my life now that I have a partner and stories might really help me have a healthier relationship with my partner.

There are many factors that combined all together make us fall in love. That’s how I fell for this book. I have been so lost lately, lots and lots of things going on on my mind, so mentally disturbed and preoccupied. I needed an escape, a vent. This book offered was all that to me. More importantly, it was a story I loved dearly.

In such an emotional rush, Olivier decides to call his lovely wife, the mother of his two lovely kids, that he’s been cheating on her for the last three weeks. Caught off guard, Juliette is staggered. She decides to fight all the way, until the end.

How is trust to won after it’s been lost the first time? is it even possible to trust the same man who decided to sleep with another woman yet so concerned about her feelings, not even able to think of the idea of causing her any emotional harm? How do you make sure that man is not lying to you anymore? How can you really tell for real he wants you back? wants his kids and wife and whatever remains of his marriage?

Juliette herself has been raped. She had her fair share of fears and bad experiences in the past. How is that going to affect her decisions?

I love Juliette’s continuous fight to win her husband back, to rescue him from falling into a strange woman who might have given him something he needed at a specific point in his life, but not on the long run. I love the countless and endless conversation between the couple  about their love, their family and the life they share together. There was so much going on each one’s mind. They tried so hard to survive this ordeal. Juliette does not want to put up with whatever her husband throws on her; she’s strong, she’s capable of fighting, so she does.

There were many scenes of compassion and empathy. There were determination, perseverance and triumph. There were also hatred, contempt and fear. All together, made an eventful story of so many ups and downs, highs and lows.

I was so excited to read how Juliette is going to react to V’s calls and desperate emails, yet felt so disgusted by Olivier’s impatience and weakness. I could feel Juliette, by the end of a long summer full of restless, sleepless nights how tired she was. Nonetheless, V still shows up, refusing to let go of Olivier, the man who once said he loved her. But as Juliette says, “you can’t just tell someone you love them they stop loving them the next day”.

Today, I could not throw the book away. I had more than half of it to read. It was captivating. The story keeps building up; page after page, you are buried down, living life day to day with the characters, angry for them, worried about them. When matching it to real life, it can happen in every relationship, very smoothly when nobody’s paying attention. If you were them, you’d be as puzzled as they are, because you love, you care and you’re capable of hate and revenge.

Eventually, it’s now time for Juliette to experience what Oliver had felt with V. Will she survive it?!

Personally, this book gave me the metal escape that I needed, it made me forget about my feelings and daily events. I was totally consumed in the book and what a feeling.

 

The view from the library.
The view from the library.

Confusion – Aug 13, 2016

The same things that give me small fake pleasures are the source of my unhappiness.

At first, I think if I just do this one small thing, it’d help me feel better and move on to doing something else. Only when I do, I find myself caught up in an endless loop of doing the same thing over and over, obsessively, not able to stop, which again triggers undesired, not so happy feelings.

The circle goes on and on and on. It takes too many negative thoughts torturing my young imagination to put me back on the track of thinking positively as well as productively. A plan is developed and it’s time now to act on it. Sometimes, the first day, if so lucky, the first week would be great, then I’m caught up again in the same circle, spinning me around, tossing me from one negative feeling to another.

Physical-wise – The Defining Decade

The third and last part of this amazing book discusses the physical changes before, during and after the twenties and how planning for the future as well as working on ourselves during those years can help us be in a much better place.

The most interesting idea I loved in this chapter is the brain spurt. Well, our brains go through two major and big developmental stages. The first one happens in the first 18 months of our lives where the brain produces so many cells that it can use which explains the kids’ ability to learn so fast and pick almost any language at earshot. The extreme growth can affect children negatively because the mind can’t yet deal with all these cells and amount of activity in the brain which justifies how kids can say a statement in a false order.

The second spurt happens in our twenties. This time as the author explains we don’t learn languages, we learn all the things we need to prepare us for the adult life in our 30’s and later. This phase is all about experimenting and dealing with life first hand. At this age, we are able to pick up all kinds of knowledge , that’s why it’s so recommended to start working at this age and building a career; we are almost independent and have limited responsibilities.

This made me think of how much time we are wasting in our 20’s, it made me want to read more and more, learn as much as I can about anything I can.

I told my partner about this and he says “you’d better be specific also about what you learn”. He meant career-wise. Somehow, I do not think that was the most encouraging thing to say, yet it was sort of realistic maybe. I don’t want to overthink what he said, I don’t want to be grumpy!

The second idea in the chapter that caught my attention was under the title Calm Yourself. It’s summed up in being able to control your emotions and not respond negatively or emotionally to whatever comes your way. I love this and have learned it a while ago from Jack Canfield. We are “response-able” which means we can easily choose our responses to whatever happens; a better response, means a better result.

The last piece of advice shared is about doing the math; life will happen to us the same way it did to lots and lots of generations before us. Time does not go too fast or slow, it just goes steadily. A plan is paramount; a timeline, can help. The best time to do whatever we want to do is now. We need to think of it like that: right now; whatever, just do it right now, don’t wait until the next morning or weekend or whatever, RIGHT NOW, just start.

You and I have tried hard so many times to commit, we failed, let’s try again, right now! Let’s be who we want to be, you and I. We shall succeed and people shall follow!

Jul 3, 2016 – First Picnic in America

I was so excited to go out, enjoy the sunny day but this kind of excitement does not stick too long around me. Soon as I got there, a smile took over all my excitement but not a word found its way out of my mouth.

I have never been a group person. I can better at individual meetings, well, a couple more people but not many. How about too many? I freeze, sort of.

Being new in a big group of friends might be challenging especially when they work together and joke about things you don’t even understand. But they were welcoming and nice to strangers (me in this situation). I had no idea how people get served or serve themselves on picnics, didn’t know when to eat, whether to wait for everyone to get together or not. These things happen frequently with many people, so I was able to overcome the embarrassment of the moment and get along.

Smaller groups of people were scattered all over the place; some were in the pool, some sitting in the gazebo, others playing games or eating or whatever. I followed my partner, sat next to him. I’d met some of the people there already and was somehow familiar with the conversation but still I could not talk. I was pushing myself to get engaged in the conversation and just talk normally, but a bigger fear that I’m not even aware of was controlling the whole situation, a fear that kept me mesmerized in my chair, following my partner not attempting to share others the good time.

Time could not be any slower; every moment was passing so slowly pushing me to the very outer limits of my comfort zone; an exposure to my fears I never felt before. All I wanted was to go home, put on my earbuds, hug myself and play music so loud I can’t even hear my thoughts. The worst of all was my partner’s question “are you ok???” I wanted to say “can I just cry!”… 😦

Feeling so down and negative, I came back home too upset to even talk. I went to bed too early that night after adding a new item to my Key-stone Habits for a Lifetime: Be mindful; talk more!

This list focuses on all the key habits that lead the major points of change I am working on now which shall reflect well on my character as well as future. The point behind habits is that you do the things over and over again consciously until they become a part of you leaving roam for other new habits to take over your consciousness powers. I try to read and do those habits every day. All of them are really important to me.

When I’m reminded of mindfulness, I focus more, push myself, take risks and change. I can talk, I can socialize and there’s really no excuse I can think of why my first picnic in America wasn’t the best. I don’t actually think too much of it, I am trying to focus on changing that.

So yesterday, we went to another picnic with other friends that I’m more comfortable with. They are even more welcoming, comfortable and include everyone in the conversation which as a guest helps me A LOT. There were other challenges at some point but I kind of managed to keep the conversation going and successfully applied many of the skills I’ve learned to keep it going. We played games, had burgers and talked at length about hunting which was really interesting.

The point is to be mindful; take a second to understand where you are, why you are there, who you like to be and what you like to do there and then do it. Thinking too much of what to say won’t help you say any. The very thing that shows up in your mind, just say it.