TV and Satisfaction

TV has become like music to me. I like music because of the way it makes me feel, of the way it makes me live what I feel and how many years later a song can still revoke the best memories and bring them back to my imagination. Most of the time when I’m feeling something special, I unconsciously seek music, seek the liveliness in music but never seek myself, my true feeling deep in my soul.

I can’t speak for my emotions, I listen to music, I eat food, I cry… I fail to find myself. Later, I feel sad and depressed, I do the same things again; music, food, watch tv, yell, scream and so on.

Many of us do this, but no one ever does turn inside. We’d rather listen to a certain song that tells a story that looks like our story so we relate to it, alter our story to fit to that song but rarely choose to write that song ourselves.

My partner thinks I’m so picky about movies and TV shows. Well, I am; if that movie won’t add any value to me, or if I can’t relate to the story, why do I wanna watch it then! Two hours at a time, life slides by and I’m old grumpy man. Why? because I’ve spent my life in front of the TV.

Yes, we can’t spend our time reading and learning, music is so relaxing and entertaining. I agree, but let it be of purpose, do your homework first then sit to relax and enjoy your time. There’s no point at all in just living to relax and rest, get tired so you can enjoy your time off.

I am talking to me and you…

I have been trying to start watching a good TV show in the last couple days. I was looking for something business related or about work and education and making money. There’s nothing like that on TV. Documentaries are useful and educational but not the kind of education I need at this point in my life.

It just happened to me that what I’m looking for is actually inside of me. I am seeking a voice to talk to me, to interpret how I’m feeling, to push me forward, take my hand and help me get where I want to be!!!

I love that I have a great partner who loves me today, I want friends too and people to share passion and ideas with. I can afford nice clothes and good food, I want fancy things and better options. I am in a very great place in my life, I want to keep growing up and help others feel satisfied about themselves and dreams.

I don’t want to watch much TV anymore, I want to spend more time with myself and for myself. I want to focus on everything I am doing and generally do; I want to be mindful and aware of everything around me and in me.

 

P.S. I would like you to listen to this video because it’s what helped me discover this idea about looking internally and focus on myself.

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Silly Arguments, Bad Impacts

Waking up this morning, I didn’t feel my best due to insufficient sleep. I wanted to go run then gave in to being lazy. I tried to relax and prepare myself for a few things I need to work on. I decided to try and sleep again so I won’t ruin my whole day.

My partner wakes up, goes to the bathroom to shower then leave to work. He runs the water, for 5 minutes, then 10 then my text is sent asking him to shower instead of wasting all water and energy just to make him feel good. It is a waste, especially when done everyday, isn’t it, people?!

Next thing happens he’s silent as usual when we disagree on something. When he left the house he only said “See ya” but I didn’t reply because I was mad, because I knew my day is now officially ruined.

Later on, we exchanged a few text messages. I wanted to annoy him, to upset him then backed off.

I went to the store, got lots of cookies and started eating. So very passive-aggressive of me! I do hate when I do that.

I tried to watch porn and get laid. That usually helps e but wasn’t really in the mood, because it’s ridiculous.

It’s raining, the weather is so beautiful and I can spot a few orange and yellow trees turning for the season. It is so beautiful yet I can’t cope with this cloud of negative emotions.

 

Simple Frustrations

Recently, the smallest conflict or disagreement would make me unhappy and unable to express my feeling clearly. It gets me thinking how this life is possible to continue the way it is today. There are many things we disagree on. In myself I see the young, ambitious and determined man who will never take no for an answer. In him I see an older, bored, unmotivated and uninspired man.

At first, I don’t worry as  much. I can try to inspire, to motivate but change must come from within. Then I do worry about our relationship, about why we have to go through that simply when we can avoid it right now and here.

You might say it’s easier said than done. I say it’s easier done than lived; you don’t want to live in fear, in a steady state of worry.

I don’t want to go out on my own and enjoy my time alone while my partner is home struggling with destructive thoughts and giving to junk food. I can move on, pretty easily -that’s the mean person in me- but I don’t want that. I don’t want to conceive him as the weak partner, the one who can’t be what he wants to be and suck all life from him then leave a desperate sad soul behind me.

Can relationships be about two individual humans living together, loving each other yet not share the same aspiration for a better future with more opportunities and abundance of resources? Or are relationships all about the couple life, the one who kiss in public yet timid and not afraid of living life to the max?

 

Couple Mechanics – Book Review

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I was astounded by the beauty of the library; it’s right by the river, my favorite river and very favorite spot in the whole city, The Delaware river.

I had replaced a hold on a book earlier that day and went to pick it up at Bristol Library. They told the book was being shipped from another branch of the library and it’ll take two days to get there.

Amazed by the view, stunned ny the endless shelves and a desire inside me to read more book, I picked up that book, Couple Mechanics. The title, the cover all spoke to me, made me feel somehow that I need such a book in my life now that I have a partner and stories might really help me have a healthier relationship with my partner.

There are many factors that combined all together make us fall in love. That’s how I fell for this book. I have been so lost lately, lots and lots of things going on on my mind, so mentally disturbed and preoccupied. I needed an escape, a vent. This book offered was all that to me. More importantly, it was a story I loved dearly.

In such an emotional rush, Olivier decides to call his lovely wife, the mother of his two lovely kids, that he’s been cheating on her for the last three weeks. Caught off guard, Juliette is staggered. She decides to fight all the way, until the end.

How is trust to won after it’s been lost the first time? is it even possible to trust the same man who decided to sleep with another woman yet so concerned about her feelings, not even able to think of the idea of causing her any emotional harm? How do you make sure that man is not lying to you anymore? How can you really tell for real he wants you back? wants his kids and wife and whatever remains of his marriage?

Juliette herself has been raped. She had her fair share of fears and bad experiences in the past. How is that going to affect her decisions?

I love Juliette’s continuous fight to win her husband back, to rescue him from falling into a strange woman who might have given him something he needed at a specific point in his life, but not on the long run. I love the countless and endless conversation between the couple  about their love, their family and the life they share together. There was so much going on each one’s mind. They tried so hard to survive this ordeal. Juliette does not want to put up with whatever her husband throws on her; she’s strong, she’s capable of fighting, so she does.

There were many scenes of compassion and empathy. There were determination, perseverance and triumph. There were also hatred, contempt and fear. All together, made an eventful story of so many ups and downs, highs and lows.

I was so excited to read how Juliette is going to react to V’s calls and desperate emails, yet felt so disgusted by Olivier’s impatience and weakness. I could feel Juliette, by the end of a long summer full of restless, sleepless nights how tired she was. Nonetheless, V still shows up, refusing to let go of Olivier, the man who once said he loved her. But as Juliette says, “you can’t just tell someone you love them they stop loving them the next day”.

Today, I could not throw the book away. I had more than half of it to read. It was captivating. The story keeps building up; page after page, you are buried down, living life day to day with the characters, angry for them, worried about them. When matching it to real life, it can happen in every relationship, very smoothly when nobody’s paying attention. If you were them, you’d be as puzzled as they are, because you love, you care and you’re capable of hate and revenge.

Eventually, it’s now time for Juliette to experience what Oliver had felt with V. Will she survive it?!

Personally, this book gave me the metal escape that I needed, it made me forget about my feelings and daily events. I was totally consumed in the book and what a feeling.

 

The view from the library.
The view from the library.

“picking your family” – The Defining Decade

There were so many occasions in the past and family gatherings that I never had the slightest desire to attend. Yet, my father was always forcing my brother and I out of the door to join him because he believes in extended family and strong social bonds that unite people and help them connect.

For me, this had always been a myth, not the idea per se but the family. Extended family or whoever is defined as a relative is basically a threat I need to stay away from and avoid as much as I can.

My parents always said you can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends. The majority of us have friends of whom we are proud. However, our families are not always our source of support and encouragement. Too many kids were raised and still do in unhealthy relationships which haunts the kids for a long time. None of us ever chose where to grow up, yet we always have the freedom of choice of our partners in the future which is the beginning of a great life for kids yet to be born or an imitation of what happened to others in the past.

In this chapter, the book deals with families and love, how we are so confused about our partners sometimes, how narrow-minded we can be focusing on trivial details, how we can be self-centered and not give other a chance to prove their love to us. The author says there’s always a chance to pick your family; it’s not only about picking our partners but their backgrounds, lifestyle, parents and families because this is where our kids would grow up, among these very people.

Lots of twentysomethings today are enjoying random dating and pointless sex focusing on the momentary satisfaction or attention we get from others when we date the most beautiful girl or the handsome guy with the Ferrari. They never ask themselves if they are the right future partner or not. We can’t foresee ourselves in the future, so we don’t really plan ahead. I don’t like to assume that the 30’s, 40’s or 50’s can be bad and torturing and we would be lonely, no; but we definitely will change and our priorities will change so we need to learn and discover these changes and work for them so then we’ll be happier and able to take the necessary steps to fulfill our dreams.

Relationships take a lot of understanding and empathy to work out. When the one we love says the most horrible thing in the world, it can be the best they could do to overcome a problem or release their stress they’ve kept inside.

The ideal relationship does not exist, yet the so imperfect one can be perfect in itself. Personally, I don’t like the idea of dating for too long to see if a couple can be happily ever after married or not. Just like that business idea you approached or fearless decision you made, your relationship is a risk you take, sacrifice for, thrive and be with the one you love and care for the most.

Jul 12, 2016 – Oh Dear Family!

So far in my life, I think I have come a far way unlocking many resources of knowledge learning how to take care of oneself and how we can live a better life. Stress can be a killer. Back home, stress level and worry are so high; you worry about your life, about your health, kids, financial situation, security and safety. You worry about what others think, what they believe, about your neighbors, family, society and many many things that you shouldn’t give a second thought but you do because you are there and because you don’t know how to care less.

Being away from my family is sometimes hard. I miss them, that’s ok, but I fear for them and worry. They have a great life, thank God. I’d lived with them for too long to know they’re happy and satisfied. However, I now know there’s yet a better life to live, happier, less stressful and more fulfilling. I want this for them, all of them but can’t give it to them, at least at the moment. I’m not sure they all want what I want; they might be happier than I think they are so I just worry. I fear for them because I don’t know if they can take good care of themselves, defeat fear and overcome obstacles. I want to protect them, to make him so happy all the time.

It could be very simple!

I have always believed in teaching and educating. We are not there always to take care of our beloved ones, we better teach them, enlighten them and open their eyes to a greater knowledge.

My sister is going through a rough patch now. I am so far from her to offer help. When she calls, I listen, and listen more. I try to be the person I could not be when next to her, say the things I can’t say face to face and teach her how to be resilient and so determined.

Worry will not solve a problem; it’ll make things worse? yes, of course. Always try to move forward, baby steps, and you shall help and be.

 

Jul 3, 2016 – First Picnic in America

I was so excited to go out, enjoy the sunny day but this kind of excitement does not stick too long around me. Soon as I got there, a smile took over all my excitement but not a word found its way out of my mouth.

I have never been a group person. I can better at individual meetings, well, a couple more people but not many. How about too many? I freeze, sort of.

Being new in a big group of friends might be challenging especially when they work together and joke about things you don’t even understand. But they were welcoming and nice to strangers (me in this situation). I had no idea how people get served or serve themselves on picnics, didn’t know when to eat, whether to wait for everyone to get together or not. These things happen frequently with many people, so I was able to overcome the embarrassment of the moment and get along.

Smaller groups of people were scattered all over the place; some were in the pool, some sitting in the gazebo, others playing games or eating or whatever. I followed my partner, sat next to him. I’d met some of the people there already and was somehow familiar with the conversation but still I could not talk. I was pushing myself to get engaged in the conversation and just talk normally, but a bigger fear that I’m not even aware of was controlling the whole situation, a fear that kept me mesmerized in my chair, following my partner not attempting to share others the good time.

Time could not be any slower; every moment was passing so slowly pushing me to the very outer limits of my comfort zone; an exposure to my fears I never felt before. All I wanted was to go home, put on my earbuds, hug myself and play music so loud I can’t even hear my thoughts. The worst of all was my partner’s question “are you ok???” I wanted to say “can I just cry!”… 😦

Feeling so down and negative, I came back home too upset to even talk. I went to bed too early that night after adding a new item to my Key-stone Habits for a Lifetime: Be mindful; talk more!

This list focuses on all the key habits that lead the major points of change I am working on now which shall reflect well on my character as well as future. The point behind habits is that you do the things over and over again consciously until they become a part of you leaving roam for other new habits to take over your consciousness powers. I try to read and do those habits every day. All of them are really important to me.

When I’m reminded of mindfulness, I focus more, push myself, take risks and change. I can talk, I can socialize and there’s really no excuse I can think of why my first picnic in America wasn’t the best. I don’t actually think too much of it, I am trying to focus on changing that.

So yesterday, we went to another picnic with other friends that I’m more comfortable with. They are even more welcoming, comfortable and include everyone in the conversation which as a guest helps me A LOT. There were other challenges at some point but I kind of managed to keep the conversation going and successfully applied many of the skills I’ve learned to keep it going. We played games, had burgers and talked at length about hunting which was really interesting.

The point is to be mindful; take a second to understand where you are, why you are there, who you like to be and what you like to do there and then do it. Thinking too much of what to say won’t help you say any. The very thing that shows up in your mind, just say it.