Silly Arguments, Bad Impacts

Waking up this morning, I didn’t feel my best due to insufficient sleep. I wanted to go run then gave in to being lazy. I tried to relax and prepare myself for a few things I need to work on. I decided to try and sleep again so I won’t ruin my whole day.

My partner wakes up, goes to the bathroom to shower then leave to work. He runs the water, for 5 minutes, then 10 then my text is sent asking him to shower instead of wasting all water and energy just to make him feel good. It is a waste, especially when done everyday, isn’t it, people?!

Next thing happens he’s silent as usual when we disagree on something. When he left the house he only said “See ya” but I didn’t reply because I was mad, because I knew my day is now officially ruined.

Later on, we exchanged a few text messages. I wanted to annoy him, to upset him then backed off.

I went to the store, got lots of cookies and started eating. So very passive-aggressive of me! I do hate when I do that.

I tried to watch porn and get laid. That usually helps e but wasn’t really in the mood, because it’s ridiculous.

It’s raining, the weather is so beautiful and I can spot a few orange and yellow trees turning for the season. It is so beautiful yet I can’t cope with this cloud of negative emotions.

 

Simple Frustrations

Recently, the smallest conflict or disagreement would make me unhappy and unable to express my feeling clearly. It gets me thinking how this life is possible to continue the way it is today. There are many things we disagree on. In myself I see the young, ambitious and determined man who will never take no for an answer. In him I see an older, bored, unmotivated and uninspired man.

At first, I don’t worry as  much. I can try to inspire, to motivate but change must come from within. Then I do worry about our relationship, about why we have to go through that simply when we can avoid it right now and here.

You might say it’s easier said than done. I say it’s easier done than lived; you don’t want to live in fear, in a steady state of worry.

I don’t want to go out on my own and enjoy my time alone while my partner is home struggling with destructive thoughts and giving to junk food. I can move on, pretty easily -that’s the mean person in me- but I don’t want that. I don’t want to conceive him as the weak partner, the one who can’t be what he wants to be and suck all life from him then leave a desperate sad soul behind me.

Can relationships be about two individual humans living together, loving each other yet not share the same aspiration for a better future with more opportunities and abundance of resources? Or are relationships all about the couple life, the one who kiss in public yet timid and not afraid of living life to the max?

 

Blue Sky

I can feel my pupils get smaller; though the sun is beginning to go down, its light is still everywhere. Humidity surrounds me, it’s hot but it’s more beautiful than staying home all day.

I walk a few steps, afraid of the noise; the cicadas are so loud. The moment when is quiet, another is getting louder and louder. Squirrels are running joyfully around the place; they climb the trees, race with each other. They look at me wondering why I;m looking at them; it’s the human-animal language, you have the choice to make a story out of it.

A few steps more, there it is, the blue sky. It’s miraculous. An ever-changing work of art, never twice the same. Though elements of such art are but a few, yet the beauty in different combinations of such elements is astounding.

The vastness of my city, the two-story building and endless landscapes all make the sky looks closer to us. If you look up for a second, you’d see it yourself. The rich blue color fills my eyes; it reflects on my mind; my brain lightens up, my soul, my whole body is responding to the light. For a moment, I stand there; stunned; how beautiful!

Couple Mechanics – Book Review

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I was astounded by the beauty of the library; it’s right by the river, my favorite river and very favorite spot in the whole city, The Delaware river.

I had replaced a hold on a book earlier that day and went to pick it up at Bristol Library. They told the book was being shipped from another branch of the library and it’ll take two days to get there.

Amazed by the view, stunned ny the endless shelves and a desire inside me to read more book, I picked up that book, Couple Mechanics. The title, the cover all spoke to me, made me feel somehow that I need such a book in my life now that I have a partner and stories might really help me have a healthier relationship with my partner.

There are many factors that combined all together make us fall in love. That’s how I fell for this book. I have been so lost lately, lots and lots of things going on on my mind, so mentally disturbed and preoccupied. I needed an escape, a vent. This book offered was all that to me. More importantly, it was a story I loved dearly.

In such an emotional rush, Olivier decides to call his lovely wife, the mother of his two lovely kids, that he’s been cheating on her for the last three weeks. Caught off guard, Juliette is staggered. She decides to fight all the way, until the end.

How is trust to won after it’s been lost the first time? is it even possible to trust the same man who decided to sleep with another woman yet so concerned about her feelings, not even able to think of the idea of causing her any emotional harm? How do you make sure that man is not lying to you anymore? How can you really tell for real he wants you back? wants his kids and wife and whatever remains of his marriage?

Juliette herself has been raped. She had her fair share of fears and bad experiences in the past. How is that going to affect her decisions?

I love Juliette’s continuous fight to win her husband back, to rescue him from falling into a strange woman who might have given him something he needed at a specific point in his life, but not on the long run. I love the countless and endless conversation between the couple  about their love, their family and the life they share together. There was so much going on each one’s mind. They tried so hard to survive this ordeal. Juliette does not want to put up with whatever her husband throws on her; she’s strong, she’s capable of fighting, so she does.

There were many scenes of compassion and empathy. There were determination, perseverance and triumph. There were also hatred, contempt and fear. All together, made an eventful story of so many ups and downs, highs and lows.

I was so excited to read how Juliette is going to react to V’s calls and desperate emails, yet felt so disgusted by Olivier’s impatience and weakness. I could feel Juliette, by the end of a long summer full of restless, sleepless nights how tired she was. Nonetheless, V still shows up, refusing to let go of Olivier, the man who once said he loved her. But as Juliette says, “you can’t just tell someone you love them they stop loving them the next day”.

Today, I could not throw the book away. I had more than half of it to read. It was captivating. The story keeps building up; page after page, you are buried down, living life day to day with the characters, angry for them, worried about them. When matching it to real life, it can happen in every relationship, very smoothly when nobody’s paying attention. If you were them, you’d be as puzzled as they are, because you love, you care and you’re capable of hate and revenge.

Eventually, it’s now time for Juliette to experience what Oliver had felt with V. Will she survive it?!

Personally, this book gave me the metal escape that I needed, it made me forget about my feelings and daily events. I was totally consumed in the book and what a feeling.

 

The view from the library.
The view from the library.

Confusion – Aug 13, 2016

The same things that give me small fake pleasures are the source of my unhappiness.

At first, I think if I just do this one small thing, it’d help me feel better and move on to doing something else. Only when I do, I find myself caught up in an endless loop of doing the same thing over and over, obsessively, not able to stop, which again triggers undesired, not so happy feelings.

The circle goes on and on and on. It takes too many negative thoughts torturing my young imagination to put me back on the track of thinking positively as well as productively. A plan is developed and it’s time now to act on it. Sometimes, the first day, if so lucky, the first week would be great, then I’m caught up again in the same circle, spinning me around, tossing me from one negative feeling to another.

Physical-wise – The Defining Decade

The third and last part of this amazing book discusses the physical changes before, during and after the twenties and how planning for the future as well as working on ourselves during those years can help us be in a much better place.

The most interesting idea I loved in this chapter is the brain spurt. Well, our brains go through two major and big developmental stages. The first one happens in the first 18 months of our lives where the brain produces so many cells that it can use which explains the kids’ ability to learn so fast and pick almost any language at earshot. The extreme growth can affect children negatively because the mind can’t yet deal with all these cells and amount of activity in the brain which justifies how kids can say a statement in a false order.

The second spurt happens in our twenties. This time as the author explains we don’t learn languages, we learn all the things we need to prepare us for the adult life in our 30’s and later. This phase is all about experimenting and dealing with life first hand. At this age, we are able to pick up all kinds of knowledge , that’s why it’s so recommended to start working at this age and building a career; we are almost independent and have limited responsibilities.

This made me think of how much time we are wasting in our 20’s, it made me want to read more and more, learn as much as I can about anything I can.

I told my partner about this and he says “you’d better be specific also about what you learn”. He meant career-wise. Somehow, I do not think that was the most encouraging thing to say, yet it was sort of realistic maybe. I don’t want to overthink what he said, I don’t want to be grumpy!

The second idea in the chapter that caught my attention was under the title Calm Yourself. It’s summed up in being able to control your emotions and not respond negatively or emotionally to whatever comes your way. I love this and have learned it a while ago from Jack Canfield. We are “response-able” which means we can easily choose our responses to whatever happens; a better response, means a better result.

The last piece of advice shared is about doing the math; life will happen to us the same way it did to lots and lots of generations before us. Time does not go too fast or slow, it just goes steadily. A plan is paramount; a timeline, can help. The best time to do whatever we want to do is now. We need to think of it like that: right now; whatever, just do it right now, don’t wait until the next morning or weekend or whatever, RIGHT NOW, just start.

You and I have tried hard so many times to commit, we failed, let’s try again, right now! Let’s be who we want to be, you and I. We shall succeed and people shall follow!