Here I Go Again

I have always understood the fact that time passes. Whatever thing we do today and everyday will count. It’s better to start early and keep on doing what we want to do and be even in the most melancholic moment.

I have committed to blogging many times, then stopped, then tried again and so on. Every time I stop writing for a while, I feel something missing; something I can only feel roaming around in my soul asking to be let out and verbalized.

Sometimes you don’t want to share what you desire to write about. People may not relate to what you’re saying, you end up explaining your words so simply, yet you still don’t make any sense. That’s the kind of message you need to deliver through writing, that’s the very part of your soul you need to communicate with deeply and let be.

Everyday, we think of plenty of issues, we have so many great ideas and feel a million thing. None of us really write these down, or put enough time to dwell on them, to analyze and keep them. These thoughts are the very sources of a special and successful future, the basis of excellence and beginning of all inspiration and wisdom.

These thoughts, ideas, emotions, feelings and desire are what I want more of in my life. This is what I want to dig deeper into and understand. I want to be closer to myself, to my heart and my soul. I want to study them, to get to know who I am and feel every thing I need to feel.

I want to write more, about me, about myself and be that person who knows it all about himself and can help others be there.

Advertisements

Simple Frustrations

Recently, the smallest conflict or disagreement would make me unhappy and unable to express my feeling clearly. It gets me thinking how this life is possible to continue the way it is today. There are many things we disagree on. In myself I see the young, ambitious and determined man who will never take no for an answer. In him I see an older, bored, unmotivated and uninspired man.

At first, I don’t worry as  much. I can try to inspire, to motivate but change must come from within. Then I do worry about our relationship, about why we have to go through that simply when we can avoid it right now and here.

You might say it’s easier said than done. I say it’s easier done than lived; you don’t want to live in fear, in a steady state of worry.

I don’t want to go out on my own and enjoy my time alone while my partner is home struggling with destructive thoughts and giving to junk food. I can move on, pretty easily -that’s the mean person in me- but I don’t want that. I don’t want to conceive him as the weak partner, the one who can’t be what he wants to be and suck all life from him then leave a desperate sad soul behind me.

Can relationships be about two individual humans living together, loving each other yet not share the same aspiration for a better future with more opportunities and abundance of resources? Or are relationships all about the couple life, the one who kiss in public yet timid and not afraid of living life to the max?

 

Jun 23, 2016 – Curiosity is a Killer

topic_LGBTQYouth_0

 

Something about being gay makes me want to talk to all the people that I admire, get to know them, draw their attention and show the person I really am with all the energy and power of love that I have which keeps me running undoubtedly embracing an ever great hope for a life full of enlightenment, discovery and achievement.

I don’t know why but gay men seem always to be more curious about more friends and other guys they find attractive. The kind of attraction is not always physical but more of a curiosity to discover, to fulfill the gay attitude in us for the sake of even more satisfaction.

Gay men are usually categorized according to their physical built and appearance which is quite cool as there’s always more terms and trends coming up. The gay dating websites and apps adopt these categories pretty well which results in such an easier yet more precise search result making your hunt for whatever personal reason really interesting. One website I really like has been my window to the outer gay world and contributed generously in my sexual education due to all the men I’ve met there and chatted with over the past few years.

Hundreds and hundreds of men I find interesting. Reading their stats and bios arouses, sometimes, big curiosity in my heart to get to chat with them and hopefully meet them in person only to live this connection I often experience with a few men. Usually, it’s more than physical; it’s a desire to get out from my small world and quite weak social skills I think I have. Sometimes, it’s the a taste of who I can be in a perfect world of acceptance and capabilities. Sometimes, it’s my awareness of others’ fortunes and desire to motivate them to live a better life where they are, where I believe could be a perfect world to me, where chances are available and rates of success are much higher and possible.

I have always wanted to have an account there and be a permanent citizen of that online community. However, feelings of desperation, fear, irresistible curiosity and disloyalty to my partner always lead me to delete my account and try to avoid this place because I do not want it to damage my real world, the place and relationship I truly desire because I am scared of getting caught up in a weird scenario case or lose my real life due to whatever illusion online communities might project on you.

I could spend hours searching for more results and men I don’t have any chance of meeting due to huge distance between us or other reasons. That’s what kills me and makes me unable to be the person I kind of want to be on the website. As much as I sometimes enjoy chatting, I don’t want to dedicate my time and energy to an online community. I still believe I can succeed here in real life where things are tangible and people are real, where my skills can be tested for real and results are more satisfactory.

It could work both ways, yes, that’s true, especially today as online life is becoming more real. But that’s sort of confusing, I don’t want to get into it now.

Yesterday, I made a decision I had made many times before: I will not log in to that website again and I shall focus on my real life with my partner because I want this, I want to be real.

Today, as expected, I am feeling kind of curious about logging in and just search the website for fun but I said no; I will stick to my decision and make use of my energy into something productive and that’s how I came with the idea of this blog.

Frustration

It’s just hard waiting pointlessly like this. He was supposed to send me the money a week ago; now he’s not showing up, not saying a word, not texting or calling or anything. Even when I try to contact him, he just doesn’t reply or answer.

We trusted each other from the beginning and I was always sure that had never do something like that. We didn’t actually discussed any repayment method because trust did exist. I did not need a proof to send any money.

I sent really know what to do; should I just call and yell, scream, curse? Or should I just take it easy and use my mind? The second sounds more right but am frustrated with him, I am really upset!

Self-confidence

I don’t know why but I can’t be myself when trying to communicate with people out here. I look like a foreigner and when I speak people notice my foreign scent but that does not make me an outcast. I admit there are cultural behaviors and limits I need to learn and get used to but that shouldn’t stop me from mingling with the community here and become just a more comfortable person around people here.

I’m all this messy, timid, fragile person who’s trying to survive in a new country and enjoy himself. I feel like I walk differently from people here> I feel like people would realize from my walk that i’m not comfortable or from my clothes, or accent or haircut or whatever there is obvious about me. I am getting used to be different, a bit by bit. I do not mean to complain. Being different yet self-confident can be a special blend for a future success. The matter that you’re a foreigner can be so helpful where you have more things to exchange with people around you and you actually have a big opportunity to grow up and learn more about yourself.

Today, I was so happy to be able to run to the store real quick, get some groceries and come back home. I was glad to be able to talk to the cashier, understand what she said and just control my movement around her and not be confused or timid as usual.

However, still sometimes I’m confused when I can’t express clearly what I’m thinking or have in mind. Also, when my partner comments on my foreign accent sometimes; that embarrasses me though I believe I’m doing a great job, it’s just a matter of self-confidence. I need to work more on that.

Healthy… Cheaper & Healthier

Since when food has become a part of every social gathering? or a fun activity to do when there’s nothing else to do even if we’re not hungry? Yes, food is a necessity, only healthy food is.

A couple years ago, I met a friend who played a big shift in my life, a person who loved food and had no problem affording whatever he might crave. We used to hang out almost daily, go for a walk, have fun with other friends and must, at least once, dine out. If it’s not a big junk meal, then it’s a super sweet dessert that provides you with enough calories for a whole week. Back then, I liked that but I grew up to discover I’d spent so much money and time on eating only, not to mention the pounds I gained on my body. I realized that food is something we can’t have enough of nor we can live to try the very best of. It was a losing deal, it was unhealthy.

I started paying attention to my eating habits especially after I had my first medical problem caused %100 percent by bad eating habits. I began reading more about diseases and illnesses people suffer from at multiple ages due to their food and how they feed themselves all over those early years of their lives. I found out a pretty obvious fact that our bodies that we live in nurtures on what we provide them with, that these organs and system which work pretty impressively need a healthy and clean source of energy to sustain us for as long as we shall live. It is such an appealing truth that many if not most of us are ignorant of. I thought if I want to live happily and survive, I must invest in my body, my physical body and this investment is nothing but healthy food and habits.

It saddens me how much we spend money eating food only to spend even more treating and recovering from the consequences of this food. It takes time really to discover that whatever happens to us is only a result to something we’ve done.

It’s fun to have a cup of coffee with friends and more fun to eat a decent meal with them but why can’t this meal be healthy, prosperous and nurturing? If we care about our people, I think it takes more than a nice gesture or a kind word.

Cooking healthy food is such a great and interesting experience I’m still beginning to live. Using clean ingredients and fresh materials make you really wonder how people consume all the bad stuff at restaurants and leave such treasures behind, undiscovered. It saddens me when I stop at the grocery store and find desperate people of all ages buying all the unhealthy food only to complain even more later on when visiting the doctor again. It frustrates me to see how some people can’t confront themselves, say no, and stop this greed for more momentous fake gratification of food which once past the throat, vanishes into a dark, exhausted and sick body.

Unemployed now, I decided that I need to watch my expenses and spend less money on dinning out. I had a few rules and red lines about unhealthy food. However, it was a harder more than I thought decision to stick to the rules especially with lots of tempting menus and diverse cuisines here. I cheated, then cheated, then were told I’m thin and shouldn’t care as much, then cheated again. I’ve been trying for a couple days now to stop and declare an emergency. Today, was actually a big cheat day too; we made brownies for my partner’s event at church and guess what? I had so much sugar more than I had in the last 3 months. However, sitting down here, preaching about healthy lifestyle I feel guilty, a little too much and so I announce to you and I that I am going to commit to my healthy food habits again and forever.

 

P.S. The talk about “healthy” can’t stop so I’d like to write more about this in the near future and my experiences with healthy lifestyle.

Healthy