Home alone, I slept, ate lunch, had dessert, took a nap, listened to music, watched tv, thinking of baking more things to eat… feeling stuffed, and bored, and preoccupied… I haven’t tried to do anything about it but what a silly mind would suggest and a defeated heart would settle for.
My unproductive cycle keeps spinning, repeating itself, over and over again. Same options, same opportunities. I panic to bad news, but good news only excite me for a short while then I feel It’s supposed to happen, why be so excited!
I look out the window, I see trees, squirrels, but no people… Nobody keeps me company, nobody knocks on my door and asks me to hang out. I have tried phone apps, wanted to meet men I’m attracted to and who’d just settle for being my friends. I have stalked people online, it worked, I talked to them, we flirted then it stopped; the fantasy was over, and distance kept us apart. Tens of men I met online, are still online, still virtual and imaginary.
In my relationship, I act normally, irresponsibly, arrogantly…
Things will be fine once I have a job and am working… truth: they won’t! Unless I wake up and take care, they won’t, because they don’t.
Free Man Writings 